Grace Over Grind: How Do I Maintain Boundaries to Improve Work-Life Balance?

[00:00:00] Hello, this is Sharon McCall with Whispering Fields Wellness.

Welcome to Grace Over Grind podcast, where I discuss how to improve work life balance by reducing stress, exhaustion, and working too much.

You're in the right place if you are done with busy, hectic, long work days with almost no sleep, leading to chronic stress and exhaustion.

[00:00:24] You've been putting in more than 55 hours per week at work and having barely any time for yourself or your loved one. If you're running on fumes, despite large quantities of caffeine and sugar to keep you in high energy.

So, one question that I frequently receive is about maintaining boundaries. It usually goes something like this.

[00:00:49] Despite setting an intention and reminding myself, I struggle to uphold boundaries. How do I make sure that I'm consistent in being able to protect my time for at home? It's too easy for work to being able to consume my time. So today I want to talk the importance of boundaries in reducing stress and achieving work life balance.

[00:01:12] Like fences make good neighbors, setting and maintaining boundaries result in happier relationships and reduced stress. For example, my dad loves his wildflowers and the view from the window, so he's not putting up a fence between him and the neighbor. But his neighbor loves, by comparison, a closely mowed lawn.

[00:01:34] So there are times the two of them have had some discussions, because my dad knows where the property line is, but the neighbor's unsure. Occasionally, he would go over the property line, over the boundary, and mow a few inches or feet over the property line, mowing down some of my dad's precious flowers.

[00:01:52] So now, so he can better protect his flowers, my dad is encouraging a hedgerow and using rocks to define better where the neighbor can mow. He really wants to make sure that the neighbor knows where that boundary is. It's pretty similar to what you end up seeing at work. It's important to communicate and to reinforce the boundaries, not only for yourself, but for others as well.

[00:02:17] All those affirmations about making sure that you can leave work on time, the prayers, the post-it notes, telling your family that you're going to leave work sooner and work fewer hours after dinner. I'm sure you found it's just not enough. Just blocking off your schedule after a certain time and expecting people to comply with it is probably not working for you either.

[00:02:41] Honestly, you really can't expect others to know your boundaries without clear communication and reinforcement. And that's where the metaphor of fences and gates comes in. You're making your boundary visible. So, you need to reinforce and exhibit behavior that consistently supports your boundaries.

[00:02:59] Metaphorically, fences ensure others can see the boundary, while gates represent being selective about the commitments that you accept and allow you to use your time and energy.

[00:03:13] Years ago, when I was a first-time supervisor, I ended up needing to work a minimum of an 11-hour day to be able to interact with the two shifts in manufacturing that were running. Since I'd be on regular leave by 7am, I wanted to be able to leave right around 6pm to be able to make sure I could get enough time at home.

[00:03:34] So I wake up refreshed for the next day. So what I would regularly find is that I'd have the computer off by 6pm. Before I left my desk, I'd call my sweetie and let him know I had just shut down and would head out to the car. But I would undoubtedly find interruptions somewhere between that moment and getting in the car.

[00:03:57] The plant manager or the site director would come and check in with the second shift supervisors and I'd get pulled into the conversation or operators from second shift would be coming in with questions about what happened on first shift since I was the only one that was still around, as they were trying to solve something and figure out what needed to be done next, or there'd be a couple of the first shift operators that'd be getting off of the overtime and they'd want to chat as we were heading out to the parking lot.

[00:04:22] I allowed these interactions to occur in each of these examples. I allowed somebody to cross that boundary so I did not get home when I communicated to my sweetie. When these happen, because I would sometimes lose track of time and cause concern with my sweetie when I wouldn't be home and I hadn't called with an update yet, it was just leading to issues and unnecessary tension at home.

[00:04:46] Also, with as late as we were regularly eating dinner, it was impacting my husband's and my sleep. and our digestion because of how late that we were eating. It wasn't good for any of us. So, as I look back, I am so glad that my sweetie did not enable this behavior. Never once did I end up coming home to a hot dinner when I worked late.

[00:05:08] It took time for me to figure out what is the right system of fences to be able to make sure that I could. Set up the alarms that would remind me to leave. So I could be in the car by 6 PM. For example, one of the things that I did was to being able to ask the plant manager that I didn't get pulled into some of those discussions that he was having with the second shift supervisors.

[00:05:32] I also made sure that he knew in advance I had to go and I didn't want to end up coming across as rude because I needed to leave mid discussion if it was something that I was participating in. And since this is. And while that example may not be applicable to some of you, I'm going to give you a different scenario, a more common one that regardless of what field you're in, that applies to you.

[00:05:55] And we'll discuss how the metaphor of fences and gates can help you to being able to strengthen your boundaries. This approach is all about a provisional yes, so that you can still keep your family's commitments and still be successful at work. Let's take the example of the urgent late afternoon requests from the boss that something's got to be completed by 5 p.

[00:06:19] m. Inevitably, it always seems to occur as you have already scheduled out the rest of the day and completing this new urgent request will make you late on something else. Or you go ahead and do it and you're working late to being able to stay on top of your deadlines as well as being able to get this done.

[00:06:39] And this is what would happen historically in the past. It would blow through all of your good intentions and the boundaries that you'd set and about spending more time with the family. So let's run through some alternative responses that automatically saying yes, that reinforce the concept of boundaries, fences, and gates.

[00:06:58] Instead of just saying yes to the boss and letting the neighbor mow your wildflowers, let's put up some fences and gates so you can stop feeling resentful that your boss is walking all over your boundaries. Also, you should not feel guilty about working late and break commitments to your loved ones again.

[00:07:19] So before you start addressing this with your boss, you need to make sure you're in a good, centered, calm place. You don't want to end up resentful, angry, or pushy as you define the provisions for you to accept this urgent request. Keep in mind, your boss has someone else requesting this and he or she is just accustomed to you saying yes.

[00:07:43] This is what your normal behavior has been. So they're not expecting you to being able to ask some questions. They also may be feeling the pressure the same way that you are and still sorting out how to handle the pressure of the situation themselves.

If you need to take a deep breath,

[00:08:03] take a brief moment to connect with the Holy Spirit. Asking for support to say the right thing that best supports God's will for this moment. So once you're ready. Based on the situation, here are a couple of ideas and conversation starters that you can use to being able to set up a fence to protect your evening, that boundary that you have about being able to be home on time for dinner and being able to spend time with your family afterward.

[00:08:32] So if you have previously communicated with your boss that you intended to be able to leave, you want to start off with reminding Him or her of that commitment about the importance of you being able to get out of here on time, reinforce that you are willing to help, but before you agree, you need some additional clarity.

[00:08:54] See a nice friendly opener to being able to start. So we'll go through six different ways that you could end up continuing this conversation. And again, you have to pick whatever's right for your scenario, because this can end up taking all sorts of different flavors and dynamics based upon the situation that you face at work.

[00:09:12] So one of the ways that you can do this and probably the most common is to refine the scope and timing of requests. Boss, what part of this request do you need by 5 p. m.? Can some of this wait until tomorrow morning? The second approach would be to use teamwork. Are you okay with me getting someone to help me with this so we can be able to deliver this on time to you?

[00:09:40] Maybe it's more appropriate for you to being able to delegate. Are you okay, boss, if I delegate this to someone so I can finish this up? I'll make sure that you get that on time. A fourth approach, and this is when you end up having a potential conflict and you're really concerned about the other deliverable that your boss had previously asked for you today.

[00:10:01] So this is all about reprioritization. So remind them, you previously asked me to finish X up today. I have a couple of hours left on that request. Can I get that to you tomorrow? This new request that you're making right now, it seems more urgent. Are you okay with that? And see what alternatives come up.

[00:10:23] Maybe you can be able to find a way to still be successful on both of those assignments. Then, another suggestion. Substitution. So this request is really similar to what I sent you a few days ago. Is it good enough if I resend it to you so it's at the top of your email box? If not, is there a specific section you need me to update to be able to make it applicable for this audience?

[00:10:50] And then a final way, how can you reduce the administrative time? Ask your boss, how formally do you need this prepared? I can get you a voicemail tonight with the contents and then write it up tomorrow if necessary. So as you can see, these are different ways to being able to refine that request so that you can be able to deliver on it successfully and to be sure that you are protecting your boundary.

[00:11:16] You'll notice that this is just about provisioning. We're just getting clarity on the request and what really is needed and what's acceptable. You've not yet accepted the assignment, nor have you agreed on what exactly will get done and turned in by 5 p. m. And that's what the gate is all about.

[00:11:35] So once you're done asking questions and negotiating what that deliverable really needs to look like, then we get to the gate. At the gate, that's when you agree to that specific commitment after you know that you can accommodate it and stick to your boundaries. And just keep in mind, whether you give a couple inches, a couple feet, or it works perfectly, once you agree to accept the work, you gotta stop the mind game.

[00:12:02] Make sure you're not putting any additional pressure on yourself, feeling guilty or otherwise feeling bad for it. You have mutually agreed to being able to define what is needed to get this turned in. You've also agreed, if you've allowed it to infringe on your boundary, that that is the reasonable compromise in this situation.

[00:12:25] So you need just to accept that that's where your decision's at. And let it all go and take it as an opportunity to learn and to reapproach for next time. So one more thing, if this is a request that regularly is coming up for your boss, you can tell when your boss has certain meetings with people, there's a pattern to the questions or how they are as they come out of those meetings.

[00:12:49] If this is a repeating item, maybe it's in your best interest to be able to help your boss look good. As part of closing this conversation, you can suggest, How about we make sure to add this to the regularly planned reporting cycles? You keep asking for this information on Thursday afternoons.

[00:13:11] This way, you have it when you go into the meeting, and then we're not scrambling for it at the last minute. This makes you look really proactive and caring, and because you're supporting your boss's success, he or she will remember that as well. Now, I get it. For some of you, this is some really direct conversation with your boss that you may not be accustomed to, and you may feel uncomfortable with that idea.

[00:13:37] So maybe you need to start with putting a simpler fence, like a barbed wire. Something that's a little bit more subtle to be able to manage your boundaries until you're more confident and ready to be able to handle one of these more direct approaches. A great way to start is active management of your calendar.

[00:13:57] Don't let anybody put anything into your calendar without agreeing. This is different than just leaving it open and allowing anybody to schedule. You want to make sure that you've got your time blocks in place. So that you can being able to get your work done also another way, particularly if you're in an office or a cubicle environment, is being able to publicly post your working hours on a whiteboard right by your entrance.

[00:14:24] And sometimes it's useful to be able to post your reason for leaving because it helps build camaraderie and support amongst the team. Wouldn't you love it if people were helping you to be able to make sure you got out on time for your daughter's recital or for your anniversary to be on time?

[00:14:42] And that's the kind of thing you can get if you're willing to be vulnerable enough and share what's going on. People will ally with you. And it's going to end up helping you to being able to make more human connections with your team. So, as you can see, this approach of fences and gates can be worked in a number of different ways to be able to reinforce your boundary, and keep in mind, it's not only for these small requests.

[00:15:11] You can also do this to a slightly different scale for those bigger assignments. So when you get approached with that big high visibility project, Before you agree to it, ask for some time to assess it and request to have an appointment, be able to bring back questions once you more fully understand the request, and then agree to it at that point in time.

[00:15:36] Or if this assignment is so juicy and you are just jumping up and down inside because this is such a great assignment, go ahead and agree. But let them know that you'll still be setting up some time to discuss rebalancing that workload in a day or two. You can properly focus on that new project with the appropriate attention to ensure its success because you don't want this important initiative to fall off because of conflicts.

[00:16:07] So both of these approaches come across really well to your boss because you are actively seeking to be able to manage the organization's resources. And I'm sure you've probably been in situations like this already. Once you get past that initial glow of excitement and look into the details of that juicy project, you may need to enlist support to be able to get additional resources to reprioritize your workload, to negotiate a handoff, to being able to make sure it's not dumped on to you, or some loose ends get wrapped up before you take them on, you'll need to make some arrangements to be able to make sure that you're not overcommitted and that project Is that project transfer or startup is handled appropriately.

[00:16:55] I truly hope that this metaphor of fences and gates helps you better protect your boundaries between work and home. If you step back and think about what's going on in your work life and at home. Do you need some support as you set and implement boundaries to achieve better work-life balance and reduce stress?

[00:17:17] Then stress recovery coaching is for you. Together, we develop and implement a strategy to reduce your work stress, like in scenarios like this, and begin implementing those tiny habits, those small changes that are needed to help you work fewer hours and yet stay successful at work and ensure that you can boost your energy and reduce your stress.

[00:17:41] Book a free consultation using the link below. I know how busy you are, so I really do thank you for spending these valuable minutes with me as you step away from the daily grind. I look forward to seeing you soon. Have a blessed day.