Is people-pleasing keeping you stressed and overworked?
Everyone’s heard of the fight-or-flight response—the built-in survival instinct that helps us react in life-threatening situations. In prehistoric times, this response was a powerful tool for avoiding danger. But today, while our stressors may not be physical threats, our bodies still respond as if they are. The workplace, with its high demands, conflicts, and difficult personalities, can trigger intense stress responses that leave us feeling tense, exhausted, and disconnected from our authentic selves.
One lesser-known stress response is “fawning,” which is essentially a form of people-pleasing. While fawning may seem harmless on the surface, it’s a deeply ingrained response that can keep you stuck in a cycle of stress, particularly when facing difficult relationships or perceive unfair treatment at work.
How Fawning Becomes a Conditioned Response
The fawn response often originates in adverse childhood or traumatic situations, where people learn to appease others to feel safe or avoid conflict. In a home environment where a child experienced criticism, neglect, or unpredictable behavior from caregivers, fawning could develop as a protective mechanism—a way to maintain stability by prioritizing others’ needs and emotions over their own.
Over time, this response becomes deeply conditioned, leading individuals to instinctively resort to people-pleasing in adulthood, especially in high-stress situations. For those with this background, certain dynamics at work—such as authority figures with strong personalities or competitive, high-stakes environments—can act as triggers, bringing about the same protective response learned in childhood. Recognizing this pattern is essential to breaking free, as it allows individuals to reframe their identity around God’s truth and to find new ways of responding that honor their faith, values, and worth.
When perception of weakness or low self-confidence are yelling inside your own mind, what do you do? When these internal feelings / thoughts cause a situation to be greater than your perceived ability to deal with it - what is your stress response / coping mechanism - fight / flight / freeze / fawn?
How Fawning Differs from Other Forms of People Pleasing
While both fawning and codependency involve prioritizing others’ needs, they are distinct in their origins and scope. Fawning is a stress response, a conditioned reaction that arises in specific situations where an individual feels threatened or overwhelmed. In these moments, the person seeks safety by pleasing others to defuse perceived conflict. Unlike codependency, fawning is not a pervasive pattern across all relationships but is rather a situational response to stress.
Codependency, on the other hand, is a broader, more ingrained behavioral pattern where a person’s self-worth and identity become entwined with caring for others, often at the expense of their own well-being. Codependency involves chronic caretaking, difficulty with boundaries, and a need to control or “fix” others, which goes beyond the temporary, reactive nature of the fawn response. Understanding this distinction can help individuals recognize when they’re responding to stress versus when they may need to address deeper relational patterns.
Understanding the Fawn Response and Its Impact on Stress
The fawn response is a stress reaction that aims to reduce conflict by appeasing or pleasing others, even at your own expense. When you feel threatened or intimidated—perhaps by an overly critical boss or an assertive coworker with a strong personality—the fawn response can kick in, compelling you to agree, comply, or even go out of your way to help, regardless of your own needs or values. You may find yourself overcommitting, avoiding confrontation, or seeking approval from others to “stay safe.”
Common Signs of the Fawn Response at Work
- Agreeing or going along with others’ ideas to avoid conflict, even if you disagree.
- Taking on extra tasks to be helpful, even if you’re already overwhelmed.
- Seeking validation or reassurance from certain coworkers or superiors.
- Ignoring or suppressing your own needs and values to maintain harmony.
This response may feel like the safest choice in a tense environment, but it actually increases stress by keeping you in a constant state of anxiety and disconnection from your true self. Instead of feeling valued for who you are, you end up feeling drained, unfulfilled, and often resentful.
The Beliefs Behind Fawning and Chronic Stress
For high-achieving Christian professionals, the drive to please others and avoid conflict often stems from deeply held beliefs about worth and identity. Many of us are taught, both explicitly and subtly, that our value comes from our work and from others’ approval. But as Christians, our true worth is rooted in God’s love, not in our ability to keep everyone around us happy.
Here are some core beliefs that often drive the fawn response:
- "My worth depends on my ability to please others." This belief can cause you to overcommit and sacrifice your well-being, all in pursuit of external validation.
- "Conflict is harmful and must be avoided." While resolving conflict is often necessary, avoiding it altogether can mean suppressing your needs and creating long-term stress.
- "I must be agreeable to be valued." Constantly seeking approval by being agreeable may lead to short-term harmony, but it robs you of authentic relationships built on respect and honesty.
Shifting from Fawning to Faith-Based Confidence
Breaking the fawn cycle starts with self-awareness and recognizing these patterns. By aligning your actions with God’s truth, you can free yourself from the need to people-please and embrace a new way of relating to others—one rooted in your identity as a beloved child of God, rather than in others’ opinions. Here’s how you can start:
Gratitude Journaling for Self-Worth in Christ
Begin each day by writing down three qualities that God has uniquely placed within you. Psalm 139:14 reminds us that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Cultivating gratitude for these qualities can help reinforce a sense of worth that doesn’t rely on the approval of others.
Journal Prompt: What three strengths or qualities has God placed within you? How do these qualities bring value to your work and relationships?
Forgiveness to Release Stress and Resentment
The habit of people-pleasing often leads to pent-up frustration and resentment. Forgiveness allows you to let go of these feelings, offering peace and freeing up energy that was tied up in tension. Colossians 3:13 calls us to “forgive as the Lord forgave you,” a reminder that by releasing others—and ourselves—we find relief from emotional strain.
Action Step: Reflect on one person or situation at work where you felt compelled to people-please. Offer a prayer for strength to forgive, release, and renew your own peace.
Self-Evaluation Journaling to Set Faith-Based Boundaries
Set aside time each week to evaluate your boundaries at work. Ask yourself where you may have compromised your values or needs to please others, and consider what healthy boundary you can establish instead. Romans 12:2 urges us not to “conform to the pattern of this world,” but to be transformed by renewing our minds. This transformation allows us to work with integrity and respect for ourselves, rather than in fear.
Journal Prompt: What situations at work have led you to compromise your values or needs? What one step could you take this week to establish a healthier boundary?
Choosing to act from faith rather than fear can transform not only your relationships but also your experience of work. By breaking the fawn cycle, you’ll find greater confidence, peace, and energy for the things that truly matter. Imagine a life where you feel valued for who you are, not just for how well you appease others.
My hope for you...
I pray that you can embrace your Christian identity in all areas of life. It can be hard to bring your faith into work relationships, but I hope you can see can trying just one of these tactics can help you perform better and reduce stress, so you can have better work-life harmony.
As a workaholic in recovery and a trauma survivor, I have walked this path before. When challenged at by an overly aggressive or angry co-worker (even if it was within the acceptable behavior of the organization), I found I would be triggered and respond as I did when I was in an abusive relationship. Through God's strength, I found my own so I could stand firm and not bow or please these "threatening people" to feel safe.
Through my faith-based coaching, I now help professionals like you tap into their Christian identity, transforming underlying limiting beliefs like "I'm helpess," "I'm unloveable," or "I'm unworthy" that are contributing to you finding safety and identity in your work. By shifting your focus to how God sees you now, your behavior and mindset will naturally change, leading to less stress, more energy, and greater fulfillment both at work and home.
If you're ready to take the next step in reclaiming your time, restoring your energy, and strengthening your faith-filled identity, download my free guide to building tiny habits based on your Christian identity. With God’s support and small, meaningful steps, you can begin the journey toward lasting stress relief and authentic, fulfilling relationships. Thrive with grace and grit, fulfilling the plans God has for you.
